05 July 2021
I don't know. Maybe it's because I've got lots of things to do. Maybe that's just something I tell myself when I procrastinate work that seems hard. Why is writing hard? Because it's vulnerable? Or because vulnerable work is held close-to-heart, and the standards are higher, so I truly do need to do more work to get it out?
Why don't I feel like writing?
I don't know! Sometimes the words come out, and sometimes they don't. I guess this is one of the times where they just don't. Would I be better at editing right now? Why don't the words come out easily? Is it because I'm stressed, is it because I'm frustrated? Is it because I'm too tired and have exhausted all of my thinking potential earlier in the day? Should I not be writing late?
Why don't I feel like writing?...
Okay, this title-repetition has worn off. I can't keep going the whole way, should I scrap it? Should I just delete the whole thing and start again? Sometimes, when I delete the whole thing, I feel that the next time, I might be less inclined to start it in the first place.
What a hamper.
So I do think that the editing standards are higher to get something out for publication. But when I'm writing, I'm just writing for my own blog! Why is it hard to post something that's difficult to write? Oh wait, that's not what I mean. Oh wait. It is. I have to write something that's difficult, and then I have to edit it, to make it something that's good, and then—unsatisfied with its blemishes—I have to make it into something that's producable. I have to publish it. How can I?
Oh, that wasn't bad, actually.
I think this style feels fairly freeing. [oh god, I just accidentally deleted the whole work, why is iA writer so bad]. Ah, yes, that's the problem. When I write with my inner dialogue, it's literally the thoughts that go through my head. There's very little editing, and the structuring isn't well-thought-out. A sentence could be confusing. Or the whole argument could be ordered with a structure that makes it confusing. Do I stop and edit? Do I backspace? Oh wait, I did, and now I don't remember the rest of what I'm saying! It's difficult!
So, maybe that's why I don't write as often as I want to.
Except, I do. I just discard all the drafts that don't make it. And oh, so many of them end up as just drafts. Never making it to production. Never seeing the light of day. But yes, that does put me in a rut. If I feel like I'm writing another draft that won't make it, I might just give up. If I spend too much time editing, I might just give up. If I have to make stylistic changes that require code changes in my CMS platform, I might just give up. How do I make sure I don't just give up? The only way that's pretty much guaranteed: I just ... hit ... send.
This blog post was edited less than once, or not at all. This blog post was reviewed by no-one. But I still like it. Enough to hit submit, at least.